Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep