Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
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HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.