Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means