Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.