Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
You Might Also Like
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.