Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities