I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
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Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Never be a pizza!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.