FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
You Might Also Like
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
sigh
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…