i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard