My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not