Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
i love modern commerce
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?