ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My god she’s good.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”