Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.