The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*