[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
But I really needed water water water
Education is vital
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head