Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
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February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!