Twitter remains undefeated
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”