[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
#math