When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You Might Also Like
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?