Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I didn’t realize that was an option
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”