For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I triple waxed for this?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.