We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
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INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My love language is hissing.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”