“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.