The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
who wore it better?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[at funeral] You really had to see him live