“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.