a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell