Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.