I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
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Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Social distancing in Australia:
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?