If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
We’ve come full circle
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Ha.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!