I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness