Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Passwords are more important than ever.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar