I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Meow
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.