Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s