Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Current mood: Potato
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.