Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The government even made aliens boring
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
getting groceries
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.