You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)