I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
OH. COME. ON.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up