[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
new year update: losing everything but weight
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?