I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.