I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Flock of bats