Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?