(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.