Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
You Might Also Like
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”