A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.