Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”