Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.