saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.