You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck