[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop