Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.